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June 2009

Part 3: NLP- Auditory style

 

Today, I'm covering the auditory style communicator.  This helpful information comes from Michael J. Losier's The Law of Connection:  The Science of Using NLP to Create Ideal Personal and Professional Relationships. 

Characteristics of an audio style:

  • Remember what they hear--word for word

  • Learn by listening and often don't take notes

  • Are good storytellers

  • Talk to themselves when working or concentrating (You can hear them making sounds like ahh, hmmm, oooh, umm)

Words they often use include:  babble, buzz, clicking, discuss, earshot, harmony, hear/heard, listen, noisy, repeat, resonate, ringing, say, sound, tune, and whisper.

Commonly used expressions:

  • Tell me more.

  • I hear you.

  • That rings a bell.

  • That is music to my ears.

  • Tune in/out.

Questions that stimulate answers:

  • How does that sound?

  • Tell me..

  • Does that sound good?

  • Does this resonate with you?

What causes them to be stressed out or out of balance?

  • They withdraw and can be frustrated when their ideas are challenged or rejected.

  • They may raise their voice if they feel they are not being heard.

  • They go from participating in a dialog to giving a long-winded lecture.

How to help them get back into balance:

  • Let them know you are open to their input and ideas.
  • Tell them you will be their sounding board for a specific period of time.
  • Be totally present as a listener, and give them your full attention.
  • If they wander from the subject or carry on too long, gently nudge them back on track.
  • Help them to focus on exactly what it is they really want.

Auditory style communicators are frequently eloquent speakers and great story tellers.  They have lots of great ideas and enjoy lengthy discussions or explanations.  Many are great writers and editors.  To build rapport, use their language which has been listed above.  Additionally, ask them about themselves, listen closely to what they have to say, and repeat things back to them. 

These tips will you to identify the auditory style communicator right away and following these tips will help you to build trust and rapport quickly to start a great relationship with them. 


Your Wisdom Muscle

 

Last night I went to my very first clothing swap at Patrcia Tinsley's house.  Patricia is a trade director for a high end bartering service company.  You can check out her company at www.tradia.net

Anyway, how this clothing swap works is that you bring your gently worn clothes that are sitting in your closet collecting dust because you're either tired of them or they don't fit you anymore and you bring them to the party.  Your once loved clothes are then checked in and placed on racks based on size.  Keren Charles of Fashion to Envy, www.fastiontoenvy.com who owns a special occasion dress rental company, brought in racks and organized the clothes for the event.  Her company by the way rents out dresses starting at $20 for 3 days. Back to the swap, 4 at a time women go into the room with the clothes and pick out 4 items of clothing they want to try on and then go to another room for the fitting.  In the meantime another 4 girls enters the room and looks for their clothes and the process repeats.  After you've tried on your clothes, you can go back into the clothes room as often as you want looking and trying on more clothes. 

I really enjoyed this event for the following reasons:

1.  It was free and I think most of us like free in this down economy.

2.  I made some great new friends.  Besides the hosts, I met some great women including Denise Leitch Jackson who owns an art gallery.  If you'd like to have an event at her gallery, you can find her at www.leitchfineart.com

3.  My favorite suits that no longer fit me anymore went to Debbie, a women who fit into my clothes perfectly who really appreciated them.  This made me feel really good to know they were going to someone who would happily wear them and that they would be loved in their new home.

4.  I found some great clothes that looked fabulous on me.  I came away with a black strapless dress with a stylish slanting bottom, a black sleeveless v-neck dress from INC, an animal print dress that really suit me, a really cute striped summer tank top, a great pair of Michael Kors jeans, a black sleeveless beaded top with rhinestones (perfect for salsa dancing), a baby blue sleeveless summer dress, and a sleeveless black velvet dress for the winter.  Most of these clothes were Debbie's by the way so we just swapped closets.

5. I have more space in my closet again and this time most of the clothes left are ones I'll actually wear.

Anyway, back to the main reason I started this post.  Patricia made a great appetizer in which she made a pizza with tortillas.  She laid out a tortilla and put spaghetti sauce, fresh basil, mozzarella cheese, and pepperoni, and baked it.  It was easy, quick, and turned out well. I liked it so much that after my workout this morning, I decided to go to Publix and buy those ingredients to make it for myself. 

This is where I flexed my wisdom muscle.  In the past, I very easily gave into my cravings and desires not only with food but with shopping.  I think it's a control issue for me. It was 8am and I wanted to make this easy type of pizza I just learned about the night before.  I had just done some weight training in the gym and then was going to go for a walk but I wanted to make and eat this pizza instead.  I was reminded of a book that I'm reading now called, No Matter What!  9 Steps to Living The Life You Love by Lisa Nichols.In it she talks about different emotional muscles to build.  They are:  your understanding muscle, your faith-in-myself muscle, your take-action muscle, your I know like I know muscle, your developing your honesty muscle, your say yes muscle being willing to play full out, your determination muscle, your forgiveness muscle, and your highest choice muscle which is meeting your needs from the inside out. 

Anyway, because of the muscle concept, I decided to create a new one for me to practice using.  That's my wisdom muscle.  Normally, I would have gone home at 8am and baked this pizza to satisfy my cravings and overstuffed myself in the process.  But something in me said that that would not be the wise thing to do.  My long-term goal is to be healthy and create healthy habits.  Skipping my morning walk, my thinking and rejuvenating time in exchange for pizza would not be wise.  Even if I didn't walk for 45 minutes which would have been ideal, I talked myself into going for at least 15 minutes because something was better than nothing.  This tiny step is a technique I've learned to help me overcome my procrastination habits.  If you know how much I love food, this was a big step.  I made a serious and deliberate conscious effort to choose the wise thing to do which was to support my health over my animal desires of eating.  And I feel so good about my decision.  On my way out, I grabbed my ipod and listened to a podcast called The Daily Audio Bible from which I got some great inspiration for the day. 

Below is a passage that really spoke to me from Proverbs 16:1-3.

"The reflections of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.

All a man's ways seem right in his own eyes but the Lord weighs the motives.

Commit your activities to the Lord and your plans will be achieved." 

This meant to me that we can't help what we feel.  Our heart feels what it does.  It reacts to situation.  However, how we chose to respond to our situation with our words is from the Lord.  I just looked up the interpretation from my study Bible and it means that the final outcome of the plans we make is in God's hands.  If this is so, why make plans?  In doing God's will, there must be partnership between our efforts and God's control.  He wants us to use our minds, to seek the advice of others, and to plan.  Nevertheless, the results are up to him.  Planning, then, helps us act God's way.  As you live for him, ask for guidance as you plan, and then act of your plan as you trust in him. 

Will you use your wisdom muscle today, look at the big picture, take the high road, and ask yourself what the wise thing to do is when faced with a decision? 


Part 2 of What's your primary mode of communicating? Visual, auditory, kinesthetic, or digital?

 

Today, I'm covering the digital style people.  This includes me!  I love sequence, steps, and order.  For more information on using NLP and how to create ideal and personal relationships, I recommend you pick up Law of Connection by Michael J. Losier

When you know someone's mode of communicating which you can pick up through the words they use, you can actually learn to communicate to them in a way that matches their style.  This will quickly build rapport with them.  Knowing and applying these methods correctly will help you to be understood by others quickly and will result in better communication and more fulfilling relationships. 

Below is information from his book about digital style people.

 Characteristics of the digital style:

  • Memorize by steps and sequences

  • Process information in a methodical, rational, and logical way

  • Are very detail oriented

  • Have a strong need to make sense of the world around them

  • Learn by working things out in their mind

  • Need time to process new information

Words they often use include:  Change, conceive, consider, decide, describe, detail, figure out, first/last, know, logical, perceive, process, rational, sequence, think, thought, understand.

It's funny because these words weren't listed in alphabetical order in the book and I thought it would be easier to memorize if it were :-) 

Commonly used expressions:

  • I know what you mean.

  • I think...

  • Without a doubt.

  • Let's figure that out.

Questions that stimulate answers:

  • What do you think this means?

  • Does this make sense?

  • What do you think?

  • Can you describe this in detail?

What causes them to be stressed or out of balance?

  • When their schedule is interrupted or their routine is disrupted, they tend to become rigid and stubborn.

  • When their sense of order is disrupted, they try to restore it themselves without regard to other people's needs or feelings.

  • When they are stressed they withdraw from communication.

  • They can become stressed about things that might happen sometime in the future.

(All so true!)

How to help them get back into balance:

  • Ask them what they need to make something better.

  • Give them time alone to think things through. (Give them space, this is key!)

There's a lot more information in the book not covered here.  Who in your life do you know has a digital style and what will you do to build that relationship?  Tomorrow on www.kimsthoughts.com I will cover the auditory style.  This digital moment was inspired by Karen Taylor. Thanks Karen! 


I'm a digital. What's your primary mode of communicating? Visual, auditory, kinesthetic, or digital?

 

Do you ever notice that with some people you just click with right away while with others it's more difficult to establish a connection?  I just read a book called Law of Connection by Michael J. Losier which explains the different modes of communication and how specifically to communicate with each style to establish rapport and build better relationships with those around you.  If you'd like to take a short quiz to find out your style, go to www.lawofconnectionbook.com.  Here are some thoughts from the book:

Characteristics of a visual style:

  • Thinks in pictures

  • Memorizes by creating visual representations in their mind

  • Learns quickly

  • Gets bored easily when they have no plans

  • Values time, so they like things to start and end punctually

  • Prefer getting the "big picture" rather than the details

Words they often use include:  appear, bright, clear, clarify, dull, enlighten, focus, hazy, illustrate, look, picture, see, show, and visualize.

*To build rapport with them, use the words they use.

Commonly used expressions:

  • I see what you mean.

  • That's not clear enough.

  • I get the picture.

  • Can you clarify?

Questions that stimulate answers:

  • Do you see what I mean?

  • How does this look to you?

  • Are you getting the picture?

  • Is this clear?

What causes them to be stressed out or out of balance?

  • They can become rigid and inflexible if the picture in their head gets changed too fast or too often.

  • They become impatient with too many words, details, and nonstop talking.

  • They can become irritated if projects/tasks are not done on time or if someone is late for a social engagement.

How to help them get back into balance:

  • Give them plenty of notice when making a change to their schedule.

  • Keep your information short and clear.

  • Suggest they take the time to organize and tidy their room or their workspace.

  • Suggest they plan a future project or activity, whether it's a vacation or a new business plan. 

Visual learners like to "see" and be able to "visualize" what you're talking about. "Paint" a picture for them when you're communicating with them. I challenge you to notice the visual learners in your life today and "see" how speaking their language increases your connection with.  Of course if you're already a visual, you'll already "see" that.   

Tomorrow I'll "cover" the digital style.  "See" you then! 


Peace and Humility

 Last night Russian Bible study was great.  We talked about humility and putting others before ourselves.  We talked about Philippians 2:3, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”   It was so appropriate for me to hear after my selfish antics yesterday.  

 

 Anyway, last night I realized that I had not been reading my Bible regularly like I used to so I decided to start again this morning.  I always feel so centered and peaceful after soaking myself in the word.   Reading the word I imagine is as refreshing as taking your first drink of water after wandering the desert for several days parched and thirsty.  So I started a new devotional called “Rest Assured” and of course the first verse is a perfect continuation of the lessons from yesterday. 

  

 

 

 Isaiah 26:3-5

 “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.  He humbles those who dwell on high, he lays the lofty city low; he levels it to the ground and casts it down to the dust.”

  

 

 

 The word humble keeps coming up.  I just read a book called “Peaks and Valleys” which talks about ego and humility and I think I’m finally beginning to get it.  One of the lessons I got out of it is that the reason why most of us get hurt in life is because our egos get hurt.  When you put aside your ego and see the truth for what it is in your situation, growth can happen.  And based on the verse above, if you don’t stay humble, you will go down.  I think I’d rather stay humble than to be taken down.  That sounds like a much better place to be.  To walk with God and feel his peace is to put aside selfish desires/ego and be in service of others.  But when I do get knocked down, I will be content remembering 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Have a blessed day and be content no matter what you’re going through in the moment. 


Aikido- The way of unifying with life energy

  

I just got off of a great coaching session with Suzee, my coach.  We were talking about a personal issue that was troubling me.  Yesterday, my boyfriend, who is Ukrainian, asked me if I wanted to go with him to Russian Bible study tonight.  The Bible study is actually in English but has some Russian parts.  From time to time people pray in Russian or talk in Russian but it’s mostly conducted in English.  I generally enjoy going because we do study the Bible which I find completely fascinating.  It’s filled with incredible stories and life enriching lessons.  And I also love deep discussions with others, digging for truth, and figuring out concepts.  Now, the one part I don’t particularly care for in Russian Bible study is the singing in Russian for the first 45 minutes.  Last time we went, we watched videos (like MTV when they use play music videos but toned down) with the words coming across the bottom of the screen in Cyrillic, the Russian alphabet.  Now, if you don’t know what Cyrillic looks like, it’s nothing like our American alphabet.  Learning Russian is not like learning Spanish or French.  Those are easy.   Looking at the Cyrillic alphabet to me is like trying to figure out what Chinese characters are saying.  It’s completely different and foreign.  At first, I made a go at it.  I tried singing along even though I had no clue what I was doing.  I tried closing my eyes to get the feel of the music and listen to the harmony.  I tried to take a stab at the words and memorize patterns even though I had no clue of what I was doing.  I tried to sing the words that were repeating but completely butchered them.  And then I finally gave up and started looking around the room taking inventory of what around me.  I was so incredibly bored.  It reminded me of the time I went to the Fort Worth Symphony and halfway through I got so bored that I started counting the number of tubas, trombones, trumpets, etc. on stage.  So, back to the Bible study.  When my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go I said as long as we skip the singing part.  To which he said he liked the singing part.  To which I replied, then you can go on your own.  He continued to try and push me to go and sit through that part which really irritated me.  I think what bothered me the most about the situation was that I felt like he didn’t know how much I really disliked it and I felt like he was forcing me to power through my discomfort of the situation and disregard my true feelings in order to accommodate his needs.  It felt like we fell off our boat in the ocean and he was climbing over me, pushing me down into water as I struggled to stay alive in order for him to get back on the boat.  I can be a little dramatic I know but that’s really how I felt.  I felt disregarded, as if my feelings didn’t matter, and I felt suffocated. 

 

So, I brought this up with my coach because I was experiencing conflict and I don’t like conflict.  My tendency with conflict is to walk away from it and never resolve anything.  Experiencing peace in my life is of the utmost importance to me.  This is primarily why my past relationships never worked out, because I don’t like dealing with conflict.  I’d rather be happy alone doing what I want and moving on.  Well, this is when coaching comes into play.  So my coach had me assume and trust that he’s doing the best that he can and that he wants to support me.  What if I assume that he wants me to be happy and wants us to get along?  What a shift because in the moment I felt like he was freight train trying to run me over.  I felt like I didn’t matter and he didn’t care about my feelings.  Then a magical moment came.  Suzee said Aikido then came into her mind.  Below is a description of Aikido from Wikipedia.

Aikido (合気道, aikidō?) is a Japanese martial art developed by Morihei Ueshiba as a synthesis of his martial studies, philosophy, and religious beliefs. Aikido is often translated as "the Way of unifying (with) life energy"[1] or as "the Way of harmonious spirit."[2] Ueshiba's goal was to create an art that practitioners could use to defend themselves while also protecting their attacker from injury.

Aikido is performed by blending with the motion of the attacker and redirecting the force of the attack rather than opposing it head-on. This requires very little physical energy, as the aikidōka (aikido practitioner) "leads" the attacker's momentumusing entering and turning movements.

How could I use Aikido in this situation?  I felt attacked but how could I defend myself in a unifying and harmonious spirit?  How could I redirect the force instead of opposing it head-on?  Using a technique of creating a metaphor for my feelings from Christian Michelson, I changed the vision of what I felt was a freight train hitting me head-on to a vision of a glider that looked like it was coming straight at me but really it was swooping down to pick me up to enjoy a refreshing glide in sky at twilight.  The perception of an attack was deflected and the power which was good to begin with was used for good in the end. 

How often has something happened to you that you thought was against you but was really for you?  How would your life change if you assumed the best in others?  What if you assume that everyone around you wants to see you successful and happy?  In this case, I let myself get in the way of myself. 

Halfway through this entry, my boyfriend actually called me and I explained to him my predicament with the singing.  I was able to express that I knew he didn’t want me to be in an unhappy situation.  He agreed and asked for solutions.  I am pleased to say that we came up with a resolution that we’re both happy with.  Thank you Suzee and thanks Morihei Ueshiba for developing Aikido!  How can you use Aikido to resolve the conflicts in your life?


Procrastination: Part 1

Have you ever caught yourself in busy work subconsciously trying to avoid something you should be doing?  Have you set a goal to get something done but haven't managed to make any progress towards it?  Does it bother you like it does me?  What's the psychology behind why we put things off? 

I'm scheduled to run the Peachtree Road Race, a 10k run, in less than a month and I just starting training yesterday.  Why do I have such a hard time making myself run?  Well, I don't enjoy running for one but I do think it will be good for me so I'd like to power through the limiting thoughts. 

Reason #1 for procrastinating:  Abstract Thinking- not being clear and specific

Below is a clip an article called, "Why We Procrastinate and How To Stop" from Science Daily, January, 12, 2009.

Led by Sean McCrea of the University of Konstanz in Germany, an international team of psychologists wanted to see if there might be a link between how we think of a task and our tendency to postpone it. In other words, are we more likely to see some tasks as psychologically "distant"-- and thus making us save them for later rather than tackling them now?

The psychologists handed out questionnaires to a group of students and asked them to respond by e-mail within three weeks. All the questions had to do with rather mundane tasks like opening a bank account and keeping a diary, but different students were given different instructions for answering the questions. Some thought and wrote about what each activity implied about personal traits: what kind of person has a bank account, for example. Others wrote simply about the nuts and bolts of doing each activity: speaking to a bank officer, filling out forms, making an initial deposit, and so forth. The idea was to get some students thinking abstractly and others concretely. Then the psychologists waited. And in some cases, waited and waited. They recorded all the response times to see if there was a difference between the two groups, and indeed there was a significant difference.

The findings, reported in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, were very clear. Even though all of the students were being paid upon completion, those who thought about the questions abstractly were much more likely to procrastinate--and in fact some never got around to the assignment at all. By contrast, those who were focused on the how, when and where of doing the task e-mailed their responses much sooner, suggesting that they hopped right on the assignment rather than delaying it.

The authors note that "merely thinking about the task in more concrete, specific terms makes it feel like it should be completed sooner and thus reducing procrastination."

In summary, the easier, more concrete, and simple the task is, the more likely it is going to get done.  The more abstract or difficult a task appears, the more likely it will be put off. 

So, if I were to put it in more concrete terms, how could I make training for my 10k simple and easy?  I would have to break it down into stages. I would train slowly for it and not try to run the whole thing the first time. I would let my body ease into it.  Considering I have 4 weeks left, I will take my strategies from this website and modify the 5k workout to a 10k one:  http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml